Losing It

Well, I’ve totally redone this blog, deleted all previous evidence of my weight loss attempts (except now I’ve told you so that’s kind of pointless, right?) and I’m ready to start fresh.

I currently weigh in at 226 lbs. That sucks. I’ve tried many times to lose this weight, but it just sticks on there! However, there are a few things that have recently come to my attention that made me take some steps to start dropping this fat for real.

• We went camping. The campground was 220 meters down a steep hill. I made it down just fine, apart from some severe nerves walking with little kids alongside a dropoff, but coming up the next day, I couldn’t do it. I sat down and cried in the middle of the steepest section, heart pounding, sweat pouring and hamstrings aching. It was pathetic. And I realized that I NEED to be in better shape! I want to take my kids on outings without stressing about whether I can actually make it or not.
• Someone I know died. I hadn’t been in touch with this person for many years, but he died way too young and I started thinking about my own mortality and what would happen if the boys were alone in the world, without their mom. I don’t want that to happen, so I need to get healthy.
• I feel like crap. I do. Every day, I sit in my chair and feel fat. My stomach flops onto my lap. My boobs cut off my breathing when I lie down. I don’t like it and I want it GONE.
• I’m embarrassed. People who read my regular blog, Expat Mom, are coming to Guatemala and I actually have to SEE them. That’s fricking embarrassing when they see how huge I am. I spent over a year refusing to leave the house more than once a month because of this embarrassment, time for it to stop.
• I’m getting older. I turn 30 on April 12th and I’ve seen my dad dealing with the effects of being overweight for decades. I really don’t want to be dealing with degrading vertabrae and other serious health issues when I’m 60 if I can possibly help it. Being fat is not helping!
• I’m not turning heads. Not to be vain (but secretly, yes), but I used to get catcalls and whistles from guys on the street. I hated it. Now, no one but my husband even looks at me! Now, it’s not that I want guys to be all over me, but it does make me notice how fat I really am.

I’ll blog another day about what I’m going to do about all this excess fat. But here’s the deal. I’ve joined up with Plus Size Bloggers to do a challenge, blogging about my weight every week. I’m not going to hide. This is the place I’m going to let it all hang out, literally! So that means there will be photos on this blog that I’m not proud of. There will be numbers that make me want to gag and hide in the closet for a year. And yes, I will blog about the cake that I eat and then feel horribly guilty about.

And this time . . . I’m actually going to keep blogging this stuff until I finally make it to 120 lbs, darn it. Or at least somewhere in that area.